Do I Belong ?

May 7^th, 2007 – The day I landed in India after almost a year. The day I had been looking forward to, for quite some time. And the last 17 days have been an unexpected experience. One of the perpetual questions I have been asked by friends and family alike is “Will you come back or settle there?” Earlier, I never took this question seriously, but since I had nothing better to do during this vacation, I started thinking. And the following is an attempt at putting into words, some of my musings. One of my very few shots at poetry writing – anyone who has experience of dealing with poetry, please pardon the mistakes. Novices, read on….

A year ago, it was hard to leave
With an anxious heart and joy skin deep
A world to explore, an ambition to achieve
With friends left behind, many promises to keep
But today I’m back and it’s hard to believe
It’s all a mirage; Is it mine to keep?

Do I belong or do I not?
I need to know for life is too short

It’s a whole new world, with surprises to show
A curve on every road that I don’t know
It’s tough to drive; the heat is in full flow
My online life has suddenly gone slow
Messaging is cheap; call prices are low
There’s lots to eat – that’s all I know

Do I belong or do I not?
I need to know for life is too short

The economy is up and earnings do rise
But the country burns as communities collide
Our industries conquer and grow in size
But hungry farmers still commit suicide
I’ve grown up with it all, but it’s still a surprise
Much more so, when I see it from outside

Do I belong or do I not?
I need to know for life is too short

Coming back to myself, I contrast and compare
In the year I spent away, there were times of despair
But times at home have given me a scare
Old friends are busy, new ones are rare
Life here moves too fast as I stand and stare
Am I too confused, or am I being unfair?

Do I belong or do I not?
I need to know for life is too short

The pursuit of happiness is a journey within
Every place has its sorrow; every place has its sin
Journeys end; Friends depart
A new chapter is always there to start
‘Live in the moment’ is what they say
And carry the memories forever to stay

I might belong or I might not
I need to smile for life is too short!

Snapshot From Hell - 3

I never imagined I would need three posts for these experiences, but then again, it’s close to my heart and lest I stretch this into four, I’ll delve straight into Stage 5 of my internship hunt.


With so much happening so fast, before I knew it, I was already in Stage 5, which I call ‘THE LAST STRAW’. February 6th – Last interview scheduled. No offers. No more companies listed to interview on campus in the near future. I was miserable, to say the least! The constant rejections had left me drained. I didn’t know if I was doing everything wrong or if it was just bad luck. I was asking myself – How can you possibly blow up almost 15 interviews in a row! Anyhow, with my self confidence at its lowest ebb, I decided to give one last strong shot. I researched the company like crazy – digging into the best and worst of archives. Got a call back after the first round interviews. Second rounds were the next day. I felt I had done well – but then, I felt the same after every single interview I had had. With nothing better to do, I sat back and started waiting for the result.


It finally happened on February 13th. The last stage – ‘BREATHING AGAIN’. It had been six days and still no results. As I walked to school in the snow, I saw a voicemail on my phone. I was almost expecting a ‘Thank you for interviewing with us.’ In recruitment circles, if a call starts with that, you’re better off hanging up right there. But this one was different. It was good news. Something I was not ready for! It might seem the obvious thing to say that I felt happy – fact is, I did not. As I look at it now, it wasn’t happiness – it was just relief.


If I had to look back, I can say I could have done things better. But it was a learning experience. Maybe, if I had got the first position I interviewed for, I wouldn’t have learnt this much. Then again, it’s all in hindsight. With lessons for the future. If there’s one takeaway – I realize that I worked hardest when I was pushed into a corner - with no interviews in the pipeline. I guess it’s all about how desperate you are to achieve something. As the saying goes, “When you want something badly enough, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

Snapshots From Hell - 2

At this point, we are in the second week of the New Year, and I have been practicing cases, working on behavioral questions and, as I said earlier, most importantly, submitting applications. Stage 3 (January 6^th-15^th), which I’ll call ‘MERRY-GO-ROUND’ made me believe in the ‘Law of Averages’.

This is when the results of my applications started coming in. Every morning, as I woke up from sleep and fired up MS-Outlook on my laptop, there it was – the dreaded email with the subject ‘Resume not selected’. Why they chose to send it at 2:40am and why they could not have a more diplomatic subject line is one of the many unsolved mysteries of this era. Rejects after rejects led to frustration and 5 days prior to start of the interview season I had only one interview call. And just when I had lost the last bit of hope, the sun came out. Within 5 days, I got another six interview calls – and then they kept flowing (I got 22 of those in all – even had to refuse some of them!). Persistence paid off? Naa… I started believing in miracles!!!

And then came the D-day! January 16^th – My first interview. Networking dinner the night before. Overnight brush up on the ‘Why me?’s and the ‘Why our company?’s. Early morning walk down to school, all dressed up, in the snow. Long 10-minute wait in the career center lobby. Two 45 minute sessions that went away in a blip. Two day nervous wait before the dreaded ‘feedback’ call telling me that I was awesome but they had to select only 2 out of 25 - that I should do some good work over the summers and I’ll be a ‘perfect’ candidate for full-time recruitment in the fall. Welcome to Stage 4 – ‘WEATHERING THE STORM’.

The above cycle repeated itself over and over again between January 16^th and February 5^th. And with each rejection came frustration – and a bit of resolve, to do better in the next one. I always had a lot of ‘next ones’ – there was always light at the end of the tunnel – I kept hoping it wasn’t that of an incoming train! With assignments, case submissions in classes and flying around the country for second round interviews, the 21 days went away in a jiffy.

The part I loved most in this stage, obviously in retrospect – hated it back then, was the ‘feedback’. The best one was after 2 rounds involving 5 interviews when I was told that, as usual, all was ‘excellent’ with my profile, but only two years of work-experience were not enough. I absolutely loved that one, coz I had just been saved from working with a firm where it took 5 senior managers to see something that an HR intern could have read off my resume! Didn’t see it like that back then – I was angry like hell. But, as always, that’s the best I could do. Catch you at the third and final post….

Snapshots From Hell - 1

16 companies… 33 interviews…3 second rounds… 1 offer. That in essence was my MBA internship hunt – nerve-wracking in real time, fulfilling in retrospect. But as I look back, there was much more to it than just the interviews. It was also my excuse for not writing in for so long. But the whole experience was so enthralling, that I can’t help sharing it with anyone interested in pursuing a ‘Global MBA’. Long story, but interesting, nevertheless!

It all began way before January 16^th, 2007 – the date of my first internship interview. Actually, it began the day I stepped into the hallowed corridors of my business school. This stage I call ‘BEWILDERMENT’. The fall semester (August 26^th – December 19^th): Orientation, lectures, club meetings, corporate presentations – all had a 3-point agenda: “Network”, “Network” and “Network some more”. A million resume review sessions, case practice sessions, case competitions, 20-hour work days and networking events with aggregate consumption of over a gazillion pizzas and cans of soda were still not enough to prepare us for the monster called “internship interviews” that was supposed to “hit us even before we realized”.

What I loved about this stage was the utter state of commotion that surrounded us all. We were told to have a focus, and yet all of us wanted to work in consulting, i-banking, corporate finance and technology. We were told not to ask stupid questions of recruiters and yet we had that inquisitive classmate asking whether the company sponsored H1 visas or not! But the absolute winners were the resume review sessions – that’s when I realized what a genius one year of MBA can turn you into. No matter how many times I had got my resume reviewed, whenever I went to a second year student for a review, it was a bloodbath – remove headers, add numbers, change font, increase spacing – no wonder the pen is mightier than the sword!

The carnage ensued for four months and culminated before the Winter Break in December. The first part of the break was Stage 2 (December 20^th – January 5^th) – I’ll call it ‘CALM BEFORE THE STORM’. This, for me, was to be catch-up time. Time to practice the remaining 96 out of the 100 cases I had targeted for practice before my interviews. Time to write down stories for all 64 behavioral questions I had compiled from various sources. Time to research the companies recruiting on campus. To quantify, I think I achieved almost 20-25% of these targets, which is testimony to the overoptimistic planning that went into setting them in the first place!

Most importantly, this was time to submit resumes and cover letters – and boy, was it fun! I sat down every Sunday evening till midnight and let the creative juices flow as I copied, pasted and redrafted cover letters that I knew no one would ever care to read. But I learnt a lot from it – I suddenly realized that I had such a wealth of experience and ability that I couldn’t help asking myself – ‘Why the hell did I ever need to do an MBA?’

At this point, things were about to start getting serious. Stage 3 was slowly creeping in. But, coming back to the present, I just remembered that we were told not to write very long cover letters – the readers lose interest, they said. My question was whether they ever had anything to lose! Anyhow, I’ll apply the same principle to my posts and cut this one short. And if you have reached this far, I’m sure you’d like to know how I survived Stages 3 to 6. So, catch you at the next one….

I plan to.... Naaa !!!

“If you don’t know where you want to go, every road will take you there”

So, what’s wrong with that? As I skim through the list of ’64 best interview questions’, I see that one omnipresent line… “Where do you see yourself ten years from now?” And that makes me wish… wish that I had the ability to project myself into the future. But Alas! I am no Nostradamus. And the time machine I almost built while in school (there were always those dormant talents!), is playing victim to the cancer of rust somewhere in the backyard of science fiction. So, here I am, stressing whatever grey cells remain in my head, trying to deduce where I’ll be from where I am.

Logic tells me I need a plan to answer this one. But, history deters me. I’ve always been good at planning… there’s always been a plan for everything – be it the course of my academics or a simple evening with friends. It’s the implementation where things start to go awry. I planned for three years to get into IIT. Never happened. I planned to work as a mechanical engineer. Never happened. I planned to do my MBA from a famous B-school in Hyderabad. I got an admit, but still… never happened. What did happen were things I never imagined or wanted in the first place. For example, the college I did my engineering from, was low down in my list of priorities when I sat home with my IIT dreams for one year. But this is where I met friends who today are some of the most important people in my life. Would I trade my days in college for say an IIT experience? Never.

I almost never got what I planned. And I’ve done well. Maybe better than if the plans had worked out. So, why plan? Why submit yourself to the drudgery of working day-in and day-out to achieve what you think is your destiny, but eventually turns out to be a figment of your imagination? The answer, I realized, lies in the age old scriptures…

"Karmanye Vadhikaraste Ma Phaleshu Kadachana,
Ma Karma Phala Hetur Bhurmatey Sangostva Akarmani

Meaning: Do your duty and be detached from its outcome,
do not be driven by the end product, enjoy the process of getting there.
- SRIMAD BHAGVAD GITA"

The plan is a roadmap. We’re all headed on the road trip called LIFE. As with any road trip, there’ll be crossroads, diversions, bumpy gravel paths, smooth highways…. the works. A diversion might lead one away from a plan, but into a wonderous, beautiful terrain never imagined before. The key is to enjoy it, live the moment and move on. ‘Coz the day you reach the destination, the joy will not be in where you are – it will be in what you saw, where you were and what you learnt in the journey to get there. You might not have seen all that you set out for, but whatever you did see, did you enjoy it and live it the fullest? Or did you keep searching for the lost trail, all the while ignoring what lay in front of you? If the answer is the latter, you’d still be searching when your time is up. If it’s the former, you’d be satisfied wherever you are – and that would be your destination.

And so I plan. I plan my moves, coz that gives me direction. But I try not to expect. I try not to fret if my plan doesn’t work out. There’s always a new plan to take me in a new direction. Ten years hence, wherever I am, some will say it was my destiny. Some will say my hard work (or lack of it!) led me there. I would love to say… I happened to be there because whenever I saw a fork in the road of life, I chose the path that looked more fun and more challenging, and not where the map in my hand led me. The journey was my destiny and every moment of it was my destination.

I've been busy...

Been a long, long time since I wrote anything... anything except the Economics, Finance or other term papers (well, there isn't much I can write there anyways!). What stimulated me was a chance meeting with an old friend yesterday – in the cyber world – that’s the only place where friends meet these days unless they share the same workplace, but I digress…. So, this friend asks me a question that only someone who has not met me in years can ask. He goes… “So, what’s up on the creative side these days? Writing? Painting? Music?”

Hmmm… Is that me he’s talking to? Oh, yes it is! Ages back I used to write stuff… though it was more for ‘Galaxy’, the school magazine. I still have a couple of paintings ordaining the walls of my bedroom at home - testimony to the dream of a Picasso-in-making gone sour. And I still remember the ecstasy when I could play the complete song “Tujhe dekha to yeh” from DDLJ on my guitar (which now lies somewhere with a broken string… hoping someday it will again find its C-majors and D-minors).

So, where did I lose all that? There’s got to be some explanation – it wasn’t as if I lost interest. Oh yes, there it is. I know what happened. “I got busy! I did not have the time!”. Precisely.

Let’s take a moment and get a perspective on this. “I am busy!” Isn’t that our answer to almost everything in life these days? I got busy as soon as I moved out of the walls of my school… and I’ve been busy ever since. I got busy studying to get into engineering college – which anyways, took me three years instead of two. For four years, I was busy sitting in the parking lot or the canteen of my college, waiting for someone to hand me my degree. Then, for two years I was busy drinking coffee and checking emails all day at work. And now I’m at Business school, where… screw it – you’re either supposed to be busy or dead! Heck, I WAS busy!!!

Just a small question keeps pricking me, though. Was it worth it?

I kept myself busy doing things that came by, gave me a moment of happiness and then moved on. I am no longer designing engine components… I am no longer writing software codes… I don’t think I ever again will. And I was busy doing these for six years. But, I do wish I could still paint a sunset. I wish I could play the guitar for my friends. I wish I didn’t have to scratch my brains out looking for the right words while writing this. I wish I had taken a moment to talk to that friend who I’ve now lost forever. I wish I had held on to the hand that reached out to me, but I was too busy to grasp it. I wish… I wish I had not been busy.

Well, I hope to make amends. And that’s why I am writing. Maybe to get rid of the guilt of having lost my interests, my passions, the people and things those were most important to me. Make no mistake… I’m still busy. I’m busy like hell. But I guess I’ll always be. And so, I write. And I hope I’ll stick to it this time… or else, someday when I meet you, I’ll say…. “I used to paint, I used to play the guitar, and yes… I used to write blogs!”